Zible

Create your own beer advent calendar this Christmas.

I have often been accused of mumbling, talking too fast or generally not speaking clearly.

But I would send myself back to school if I ever spoke this badly…

“I tend not to email or — not only tend not to email, I don’t email, because of the different record requests that can happen to a president. I don’t want to receive emails because, you know, there’s no telling what somebody’s email may — it would show up as, you know, a part of some kind of a story, and I wouldn’t be able to say, `Well, I didn’t read the email.’ `But I sent it to your address, how can you say you didn’t?’ So, in other words, I’m very cautious about emailing.”

President Bush in an interview for CNBC.

A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Home Secretary John Reid said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Metropolitan Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Reid said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Tony Blair, speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

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About Bebek

I first learned the card game Bebek while on the Orangutan Foundation Volunteer Program. Jon and Elke taught all the volunteers how to play the game which is a favourite of the Indonesian dayak staff.

I don't know how widely Bebek is played in Indonesia or if it originated there. It probably did originate there because bebek is the Indonesian word for duck. The shape of a duck resembles the number 2 and 2 is the most powerful card in the game (the trump card).

Number of players

Three to eight players (4-6 is perfect). If more players want to play, a second deck of cards can be added.

Rules

The rules of Bebek are quite simple. Take a full deck of 52 cards plus two jokers (so 54 cards in total). The highest card is 2, then the Ace, King, Queen and so on. The two jokers can be played as any number card (but not a picture card or an Ace or a 2).

The cards are evenly dealt out to every player. All of the cards in the deck are given out.

The person to the left of the dealer starts. (For future games, the person who won the last game always starts.)

The person starting the round can play a combination of cards:

• One of a kind
• Two of a kind
• Three of a kind
• Four of a kind
• Three in a row straight (same suit)
• Four in a row straight (same suit)

If the first person lays a single 3, the second player (in a clockwise direction) may lay higher than the 3, for example a single 4 or single 5. If the player cannot play or chooses not to play, they say 'laywat', which means 'pass' in Indonesian. Play moves ot the next person. It continues around the table until everyone laywats, or if someone plays a bebek. A player that laywats is still in the round when the play comes back round to them (they can choose to play or laywat again).

A typical round might be:

1. Player 1 lays a pair of threes.
2. Player 2 lays a pair of fours.
3. Player 3 lays a pair of sevens.
4. Player 4 lays a pair of tens.
5. Player 1 laywats.
6. Player 2 lays a pair of Queens.
7. Player 3 laywats.
8. Player 4 lays a pair of Aces.
9. Player 1 laywats.
10. Player 2 laywats.
11. Player 3 laywats, so player 4 won the round and will start the next round.

When someone lays the trump card(s), they say 'bebek'.

The winner is the first person to discard all their cards. Play continues until someone has lost (everyone else has fully discarded). The loser can be made to pay a forfeit in the next game, for example, to hang a bottle of sambal from your ear.

When someone goes out and wins the hand, the next person after them gets to start a fresh hand.

Strategy

It is normally best to discard your low cards (3, 4, 5) early. If you have the opportunity to start a round, try throwing out a single three or pair of threes. The only time you will ever get to play your three(s) is when you start the round.

You don't have to play if you don't want to. Sometimes it can be beneficial to keep your best cards back.

If you are fortunate enough to have more than one 2, you may decide to use them as single cards rather than pairs or threes. This way, you can win more rounds and get to start the next round (and discard your low cards).

Towards the end of the game, there can be a lot of guessing as to what the other players are holding. However, there is not a lot of strategy in the game - if you have a poor hand with many low single cards, you are likely to lose!

Variations

Sam wrote to me and said that he used to play Bebek at school with some guys from Hong Kong. They called the game 'Two of Spades', as the suits were ranked and spades were the highest.

Thanks

Thanks to Jon for reminding me of the rules and to Rachel for forgetting them and prompting this page!

Who comes up with this stuff?

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
   have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
   After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse."But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, " I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
   Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, — thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
   very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he sufferedfrom bad breath. This made him….. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Thanks to Kelly for sending me this one.

A crude joke someone just sent me…

Little Red Riding Hood is about to go visit her Grandmother. Her mother tells her, "Little Red Riding Hood, don't walk through the forest, you know the Big Bad Wolf is going to try to pinch your titties."
Little Red Riding Hood says, "Oh no, he's not!" and she leaves.

Farmer Brown sees Little Red Riding Hood and says, "Little Red Riding Hood, don't walk through the forest, you know the Big Bad Wolf is going to try to pinch your titties."
Little Red Riding Hood says, "Oh no, he's not!" and walks on.

Finally, she gets to Grandmother's house and the Big Bad Wolf jumps out and says, "Little Red Riding Hood, why are you in the forest, you know I'm going to pinch your titties."
Little Red riding hood pulls a gun out of her basket and says, "Oh no you're not, you're going to eat me, just like the story says!"

This one cracked me up. Thanks to Adam for sending it.